This week, we’re shining the spotlight on separation anxiety – a common issue we help children and parents navigate here at The Youth Fairy. While it’s completely normal for babies to experience separation anxiety (usually around 8 to 12 months), it typically resolves by the age of two. But sometimes, this anxiety can linger well into childhood, making it difficult for children to develop independence and confidence without a parent or caregiver by their side.
What is Separation Anxiety?
Separation anxiety disorder is more than just the usual nerves about being away from mum or dad. It’s a persistent and intense fear of being apart from loved ones. While most children may shed a few tears when starting something new or heading off to school, this anxiety usually eases as they adjust to their new environment. However, when the fear doesn’t subside and interferes with daily life, it might be time to seek support.
Spotting the Signs of Separation Anxiety
According to NHS guidelines, if your child shows a strong and persistent fear of being separated for more than four weeks and exhibits three or more of the following signs, it could be worth seeking professional help:
- Clinging to you when being left (whether it’s at school, bedtime, or even when you leave the room).
- Extreme, prolonged crying when you’re not around.
- Nightmares centred around separation.
- Refusing to sleep alone.
- Avoiding clubs, activities, or parties that involve being away from you.
- Struggling to interact with other children.
- Complaining of headaches or stomach aches without a medical cause.
- Refusing to go to school.
- Tantrums or emotional outbursts linked to separation.
What Causes Separation Anxiety?
There’s no single cause of separation anxiety – it’s often a mix of environmental and biological factors. If you’re a parent who experiences anxiety, your child might be more prone to it as well. Sometimes, separation anxiety can be triggered by a stressful or traumatic event in a child’s life, such as:
- Moving house or changing schools.
- Divorce or the death of a loved one.
The Neuroscience Behind Separation Anxiety
When children experience stress or anxiety, their brain releases more noradrenaline, a hormone that puts the body on high alert. This triggers the amygdala – the part of the brain responsible for the fight-or-flight response – to take control, overriding the logical part of the brain. As a result, your child may find it almost impossible to remember that you always come back and that they are safe. In these moments, reasoning with them can feel like an uphill battle because their brain is focused solely on perceived danger.
Additionally, anxiety often leads to lower levels of serotonin – the “happy hormone” that helps us stay positive and cope with life’s challenges. Without enough serotonin, your child might struggle to manage everyday stresses and their separation anxiety might worsen.
How Can You Help Your Child Overcome Separation Anxiety?
The good news is that there are ways to help your child manage and overcome their separation anxiety. Here are some solution-focused strategies to try:
- Practice Makes Progress
Start by leaving your child for short periods and gradually increase the time you’re apart. Returning as promised will help build their trust that you will always come back, reducing their fear over time. - Stick to a Routine
A consistent routine can help your child feel more secure. Avoid “boomerang exits” where you leave and come back multiple times to check if they’re okay – this can create confusion and heighten their anxiety. Instead, be clear about when you’re leaving and when you’ll return. - Stay Positive
Before you leave, remind your child of all the fun things they’ll do while you’re gone and what you’ll do together when you’re back. Ask them positive questions like, “What are you looking forward to today?” instead of leading questions that might reinforce their anxiety. - Offer a Comfort Object
Giving your child a small item that reminds them of you – like a piece of fabric, a small toy, or a pebble – can provide comfort while you’re away. Just make sure it’s something that won’t distract them from their activities. - Validate Their Feelings
It’s important to acknowledge how your child feels without dismissing their concerns. Gently remind them of the positive experiences they’ve had when you’ve been apart and that everyone was safe and happy. - Communicate Honestly
Avoid telling your child you’ll be “back in ten minutes” when you’re actually returning at the end of the day. This can create uncertainty and make their anxiety worse. Instead, be honest about when you’ll be back and what they can do if they feel overwhelmed. - Create Small Steps
While it’s tough to watch your child struggle, shielding them from anxiety triggers might prevent them from developing the coping skills they need. Gradually exposing them to difficult situations in small, manageable steps helps them build resilience and learn to manage their anxiety. - Plan Ahead
If you know a particular event might be challenging, prepare your child in advance. Talk through the details so they know what to expect and can ask questions beforehand. - Visualise Positive Scenarios
Help your child harness the power of their imagination. Encourage them to vividly recall all the times they had fun without you and how you always returned as promised. This can create positive “memories” that help them cope better with separation.
When to Seek Additional Support
Separation anxiety is a normal part of development in babies and toddlers, but if your child’s anxiety persists and starts to impact their ability to enjoy activities, it might be time to seek help. Speak to your GP or your child’s school – they often have resources to support children who are struggling.
Remember, your child’s fear is very real to them – they genuinely believe something might happen to you or themselves if you’re not together. If you think your child might be suffering from separation anxiety disorder, don’t hesitate to contact your GP, their school, or one of the Youth Fairies for additional support or information.
All our Youth Fairies offer a one-hour free consultation. Find more information and support at the links below:
